


Hello my old heart

by espressowords



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 10:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2148057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espressowords/pseuds/espressowords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After one year of running away from H.Y.D.R.A, Bucky is finally free of them and has found a new place to stay. The neighborhood is nice and he doesn't know anyone around there. He owns a pretty nice apartment and has started to live a new life from zero. </p><p>He doesn't want to remember anything from his past, although he tends to go to a video store to rent old movies from when he was younger, yet every time he goes, someone has rented the movie before him. </p><p>Someone he can't wait to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I am a new person

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is going to be kind of sweet.
> 
> The prompt for this AU comes from [here](http://aerynlallaboso.tumblr.com/) (the renting a movie but already rented part), so thank her for that! :D
> 
> I am really hoping you like this one (It's going to be nice)

“Again? What the hell?” Bucky hissed at the video store owner. “It is already the fourth time this week.”

“I can’t do anything, you are just slower than the other guy.” The owner shrugged. It was the fourth time they had this conversation and it was getting stupid.

“Who is that guy? I am going to sleep here if it’s necessary but he won’t get that movie before me next time.”

“I have other movies, why don’t you pick up another one?”

“I came here because I wanted to watch that movie, not another one.” Bucky slammed his hand over the front desk. “What’s with that guy that always has to come before I do?”

“I can’t do anything about that, you just have to wait.”

Bucky hissed again, but that was true. He couldn’t do anything besides wait for that mysterious and also a pain in the ass guy who had been four times faster than him.

Bucky’s taste in music was weird enough for one person alone, but that another human being liked the same weird stuff in the same city, was another thing. He felt a strong need to get in touch with that man, whoever he was, he didn’t care if he was a fifty year old man, or a twelve year old boy. He had to meet that guy.

“Can you give me any information of the guy?” Bucky asked. He knew the answer was going to be a huge no, but he had to try.

“Of course not, but I can give you a description.” The owner just wanted to get rid of him. “Tall, soldier-fit like, blond hair, kind of handsome.”

“You just described the American average male.” Bucky rolled his eyes, and tapped the desk, frustrated. “Thanks though.”

“Sorry and good luck next time.” The owner waved.

Bucky left the store and put his hoodie back on. It was a rainy night and he only came here because he thought no one would head to the video store, less in the 21st century, to rent a movie.

 _I was wrong again._ He thought, and he clenched his jaw at the thought. Ever since he moved back, ever since he came back and started his life again, everything seemed to be out of place. The streets were different, the restaurants, the cafés, even the comic books were different.

Hell, Bucky Barnes was different too. But he knew that he couldn’t stop that. He had gone through a series of events that were unchangeable, he couldn’t just flip the switch and go back to what he was, or who he was. Even if he just could remember that part.

He couldn’t remember anything of his life before he fell of that train. Every time he tried, his head started to hurt like a million hammers were hitting on there. It was painful and after ten attempts, he stopped trying to remember. It was a hell. And he had been in more than one. He didn’t want to go back there. Remembering the tortures was hard enough to live with, remembering what he had done to other people was even worse, but he knew that remembering who he was, what he was and the people he once knew, would be last drop to destroy him forever.

Bucky opened his newly bought apartment and changed his soaked clothes. He stared at his naked body in the mirror and observed the metal arm that touched his skin leaving a cold mark on it.

 _How can a person hate a thing so much and love it at the same time?_ It was the thing he always thought when he stared at his own left arm. It made him functional, but it was his weapon. His body was a weapon and everywhere he went, he left a crime.

H.Y.D.R.A had stopped searching for him after one year. They both knew that if he didn’t want to be found, they wouldn’t find him anywhere. The wise choice would had been stopping the first day he went missing, but he knew how valuable he was to them. That’s why he couldn’t just go back. That would imply going back to the way he lived, and he didn’t want that.

He was starting to make new choices, he was rediscovering himself day after day. He had learned how to take care of himself, learned how to stop being at the edge of dying every week. He nourished himself, he didn’t let open wounds be healed by themselves.

 _I am a new person._ He thought as he put a clean t-shirt on. The same blank tank t-shirt he always wore to sleep. He was a new person but a simple man. He didn’t like to show off, less own a huge amount of clothes. He only had four different outfits, rainy days which contained a hoodie and the same pair of jeans as the winter days. Sunny days were a black or white t-shirt with Bermuda shorts. The other outfit was his pajamas, which were also his training clothes.

He was simple but it was enough.

He made himself a sandwich and sat on the sofa. He turned on TV and switched to the News channel. He only watched that channel and, occasionally, a comedy movie. He was done with action and drama. He only wanted to see comedies or the weird stuff he liked from when he was younger. But he hadn’t had the pleasure of doing that yet, the guy at the video store was always faster.

Although, he had a plan. He would go every day to the store and he would meet that man. That was everything Bucky wanted. To make a new friend in a new town. To meet someone who didn’t remind him of his past.

But he was wrong. The guy he wanted to meet was nothing but his past.


	2. The invisible man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve lives his normal, routinary life in his new town. Running, drinking coffee and watching movies is everything he does. He doesn't love this life, but it's not a pain in the ass. 
> 
> On his way to grab a new movie, he encounters something he didn't expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy you all liked the first chapter! And thank you so much for the feedback :D
> 
> Hopefully, I will be able to write one episode every two days (I am posting this one as a gift for the positive feedback)
> 
> Enjoy it!

5:30 AM

 

Steve sneaked out of his own bed for his usual morning run. He wanted to lay low after the events in Washington, especially because they let him with some serious injuries, but if there was one thing he couldn’t simply forget about, it was the running. Now that he could run again, a day hasn’t passed without him doing it.

Running was the only method that helped him forget about what he had to go through a year ago. His brain automatically went back to those days every morning, every hour, minute, every second. But during the 15 miles he ran every morning, he could easily forget about that.

Not that he wanted to do so, but it was the only peaceful moment he had throughout the day. That and the daily movie he watched.

Yesterday he chose _Modern Times_ by Charles Chaplin. The last time he saw that movie he was barely 20 years old. He knew that choosing that movie would rewind memories in his damaged and old brain, but he felt like watching something just for the sake of old times.

It was a bitter night and he couldn’t go to sleep until it was 2AM, though he didn’t worry about his sleep hours, he knew he couldn’t keep going like that for a long time. Super soldier serum or not, he was still human and he needed to rest once in a while.

Yet he couldn’t stop his body from waking up at 5:30 every single morning.

_I wish I could, but I can’t. Every time I close my eyes, he haunts me there and even there, I cannot forgive myself for letting him go. Natasha advised me to forget about him and Sam told me that he would help me. And he did, for six months. Then he had to go back to his old life and he gave me the same advice Natasha did: Forget about him._

He recited that speech every morning as he went out of his apartment. He did it so one day he would follow his friends’ advice. He had been doing that for almost seven months and not every single day had he believed nor followed it.

* * *

 

8:30AM

 

After the morning run, Steve would grab a coffee and head back to his apartment to get a shower.

 _The worst part of the day._ He thought.

Showers meant thinking for Steve and thinking meant Bucky. Even if he could think about him for all day, the shower time was the worst of them all. When he showered, the silence that surrounded him tasted like the old times when Bucky and Steve used to spend days living together in one or the other apartments.

They used to watch movies, _Modern times_ among them, they ate popcorn and did a lot of stuff together. Even when Bucky started going to the military, and Steve had to stay home sick, they were together in their minds. They had something special, friendship, and brother relationship. Bucky and he had something unique and H.Y.D.R.A broke them apart.

* * *

 

9:30AM

 

Steve left the apartment again. This time he did to go back to the video store and return the movie he rented yesterday.

The shower was different today. It wasn’t as painful as it usually was, but it still left him a sour feeling in his body.

He walked downtown and stopped at the cafeteria again. He accidentally spilled his coffee on the way home and had to get a refill.

_Silly boy, you used to do that when you were still skinny and weak._

Steve’s daily thoughts went from Bucky and what happened to him, to a self-destruction kind of thoughts. He knew how bad that was for him, but he couldn’t stop blaming himself for either of the events that had happened in his life.

Peggy, Bucky, Dr. Erskine… Even the people he hadn’t yet hurt, he felt guilty for. Natasha was his best friend now, and Sam too. But he let them down and he couldn’t stop blaming himself for that.

The truth was, Steve Rogers couldn’t stop blaming himself for everything that happened around him. Even if the odds of him causing that were from 0 to below 0.

* * *

 

10:00AM

 

Steve walked inside the video store with the movie in his backpack. He walked straight to the movie aisles to grab another one: _The invisible man_ by James Whale.

While he was running this morning, he had an urge to re-watch one of Bucky’s favorite movies.

 _Ironic._ He thought. _If Bucky had known what his future had ready for him, he wouldn’t have chosen that for his favorite movie._

When he reached where the movie was supposed to be, it no longer was there.

 _Huh, curious. This has never happened before._ It was true. Steve was usually the first to walk inside the video store to make sure no one took the movie he wanted to see before he did. But this morning he came thirty minutes later and it cost him the movie.

“Did someone rent _the invisible man?_ ” Steve asked to the owner. “It is weird.”

“Unbelievable.” The owner said, chuckling. He had never seen two people so alike and yet so different. “You got the movie from yesterday?”

“Yes. Here.” Steve gave him the _Modern Times_ copy he rented. “Great movie.”

“You should tell him that to the boy that came looking for it yesterday.” The owner said as he grabbed the movie.

“Was he the same boy that rented _the invisible man?_ ”

“Yeah.” The owner nodded. “He just left the store, he turned right. Maybe you can catch him.”

Steve raised his eyebrows. It was odd to find someone with such and old taste in town. Especially when it was the 21st century and every single person used the internet to watch old movies. The video store didn’t have Blu-ray copies, only DVDs and VHSs copies, which for the movies that Steve asked for, were the only available option.

“Thanks.” Steve said as he walked outside the store.

He went to the right to find a man that matched the description that the owner gave to him. Male, black long hair with almost a full beard. He wore black clothes and a hoodie.

 _Easy task._ Steve thought. It was strange to see someone wearing a full-black outfit in the middle of the morning.

After ten minutes of walking straight, he spotted a man that matched the description. He ran towards him, careful enough not to scare him.

“Excuse me? Sir?” Steve asked, politely.

The man turned around and put his hoodie down. He had black medium length hair. A full beard and restless eyes. He looked gloomy and exhausted, but healthy and strong. His eyes shined with a tearful light that made him look damaged.

Steve backed up a few steps. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. What were the odds, after one year, for this to occur?

“Bucky?” Steve asked, stuttering.

“No.” Bucky answered.

He knew who that man was and he didn’t want him back in his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this was going to be nice, but it will cost some tears until we get to that!
> 
> Kudos for Steve if you want to see him forget himself for everything that happened!


	3. Whole milk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was longer than the other two but more things happen here!
> 
> Make sure to hit the kudos button if you enjoyed it and if you want, give me some feedback!
> 
> Enjoy this bumpy ride ~

“Bucky, please.” Steve said with a whisper.

“No. I don’t know you.” Bucky kept walking away from Steve. But Steve kept following him. “I said I don’t know you. Leave me alone!”

Bucky stopped in the middle of the street and faced the man. He didn’t know why he felt that way when he stared into his eyes, he didn’t know why his chest burned so hard when he heard his voice. When he heard his name out of his mouth.

“Look, I know you think who I am, but I am not that person.” Bucky shook his head. “Whatever happened to your friend, Bucky, he is not me. I am not him. So please, stop following me everywhere I go.”

“I did not follow you, I was…” Steve said, exhaustedly. “I wanted to watch that movie.”

“What?” Bucky asked, frowning his face. This was getting weirder.

“ _the invisible man?_ ” Steve said, pointing at the vhs Bucky was carrying in his left hand. “I wanted to rent that movie.”

“Well, this ain’t your lucky day.” Bucky hissed and walked away.

“Bucky please.”

“Stop calling me Bucky! I am not Bucky! I am not Bucky!” Bucky yelled while walking away. Then he stopped cold. “You want the fucking movie? Then off you go. All yours! Now go away.”

“No, you keep it.” Steve pushed the movie back towards Bucky’s chest. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You came all the way here because of the movie and now, it doesn’t matter?”

“Forget it Buck.” Steve trembled.

Then he walked away.

Bucky stood there for five minutes, watching the man who once was his mission going back to wherever he lived. Bucky stood there and he couldn’t help but think if letting him go was the right decision.

_But you’ve made a decision. You chose to leave H.Y.D.R.A, S.H.I.E.L.D, everything behind. That man is not part of that decision._ He thought, but somehow, he felt strange. He felt an urge of running back to him and ask him a million questions. He had to know more about that Bucky, because, even if he didn’t enjoy that name, he called himself Bucky too. And if he once was that Bucky, maybe knowing who he had been, what that man once did, wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Wait!” Bucky yelled as he ran off to follow the man.

The man, Steve Rogers, as he well remembered from the mission didn’t stop although it was clear he heard his voice. Bucky ran until he could touch his shoulder and he grabbed him.

“I said wait.” Bucky repeated himself. He was still in a good shape despite leaving the winter soldier suit in the closet for a year.

“Wait for what?” Steve asked, lifelessly.

“You wanna watch that movie?” Bucky offered, hesitantly. He promised himself he wouldn’t try to remember, but Steve wasn’t on the plan.

If there was something he could actually remember from his past, was something that happened between Steve and him. Something they used to say to each other, but he wasn’t sure it happened or if it was just a blurred dream.

Bucky didn’t want to remember. The agony of being conscious of the atrocious crimes he committed under H.Y.D.R.A’s command was enough for him. He tried to remember his past life and it gave him an almost two week long migraine. He couldn’t sleep for those fourteen days. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see frames of his tortures, of his brain washing sessions. Every time the closed his eyes, he would see Pierce saying the magic words, and then, the headache would hit him hard enough to send him to the bathroom and throw out.

“I don’t want to remember.” Bucky said. “That’s my only condition.”

“Why?” Steve asked. He was getting interested in Bucky again. Though he never stopped.

“Painful.” Bucky muttered. “I don’t want to.”

“I can’t promise you that.” Steve answered. It wasn’t the answer Bucky expected to hear.

“Why?” Bucky asked, swallowing the sour taste of Steve’s voice.

“Being with you, being with me. It is going to trigger memories Buck… When you were about to kill me back in the helicarrier…” Steve’s voice cracked. He closed his eyes for a second and then he continued. “It triggered memories. You stopped hitting me. You stopped.”

“I know what I did, I don’t know why I stopped but it didn’t feel right to kill you.” Bucky said, coldly.

“That’s why I can’t promise you that you won’t remember anything if you stay next to me.”

“Then let’s hope I don’t.”

Steve smiled, but his eyes were gloomy. Bucky had never been great at reading other people’s emotions since he got inside H.Y.D.R.A. They wiped him every time he showed any, so he decided not to be emotional towards anyone.

“Why are you sad?” Bucky asked while they were walking towards Steve’s place.

“I’m not.” Steve muttered, looking to the ground.

“Your eyes are teary.”

“It’s because I’m happy.” Steve smiled again, this time, his blue eyes shone with it.

“Wh--.”

“Don’t ask me why I’m happy.” Steve cut him off. “I would break the promise.”

Bucky nodded and they kept walking. They didn’t say anything else until they got to Steve’s apartment. Bucky wanted to ask a lot of things, why was he a hero, why was he a hero and living undercover, why was he a target to H.Y.D.R.A, why did he stop fighting back at the helicarrier… There were so many things he wanted to ask but he couldn’t find the courage to do it.

“The place itself will break my promise, Bucky.” Steve said as he entered inside his loft. “There are a lot of things that can be triggering.”

“You live surrounded by Bucky’s photographs or what?” Bucky said, trying to joke. His voice wasn’t responding to his brain’s demands. He wanted to joke, his brain wanted to, but when he talked, he sounded like a manufactured robot. Just the way he was built.

“No, but there are a few photos of us.” Steve let his jacket over the sofa. “You want something to eat? Anything to drink?”

“A coffee would be nice.” Bucky said as he began to wander around Steve’s apartment. “You can draw.”

“Yeah…” Steve said with sorrow. “Whole milk?”

“Always.” Bucky nodded.

Bucky kept wandering the loft. He spotted more drawings from Steve. Buildings, a few people, coffee shops, landscapes… And a girl.

“Is that, is this?” Bucky asked, pointing towards the drawing of the ginger girl.

“Natasha Romanoff, yes.” Steve answered as he poured the milk on their cups. “You met her.”

“I remember her. I shot her.” Bucky said. “Is she…?”

“She’s alright. You need more than just a shot to kill that girl.” Steve chuckled.

“Is she like you? A hero?” Bucky asked. He hadn’t realized it yet, but he was starting to ask things he buried within himself a long time ago.

“I’m no hero, Buck.” Steve walked towards Bucky. “Your coffee.”

“Smells great.” Bucky said as he took a sip. “Tastes better.”

“You’ve always liked my coffee.”

Bucky stared at Steve and backed off. The taste of his coffee didn’t trigger any memory, but his words did.

Bucky dropped the mug to the floor and he felt his legs numb. His arms, his left arm tried to lean against the wall, but he couldn’t feel them either. His head felt lightless and he didn’t see clearly. In front of him, there wasn’t a man. There wasn’t Steve. It was just the blurry figure of a person.

“Bucky?” Steve asked, grabbing Bucky from his arms. “You okay, buddy?”

“No, no, no.” Bucky shook his head, repeating the same word over and over. “No, no, no.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Steve dragged Bucky’s body to his bed. Bucky’s body was similar to Steve’s, so he wouldn’t have fit well on the sofa. “You can rest here.”

“No, no, no, no.” Bucky kept saying the same thing. He was shivering, trembling down. His legs were curled up against his chest and his left arm worked as a shield.

Steve watched Bucky, and he sat by his side. On a chair. He touched Bucky’s cheeks and caressed them to soothe Bucky down. But Bucky didn’t stop moving. Steve didn’t know what to do and he felt powerless. He had never seen Bucky in this position. When they were young, it was all the way around. It was Bucky who had to take care of him.

“I’m gonna call Stark.” Steve said, standing up from his chair.

“No!” Bucky shouted and grabbed Steve’s wrist before he left. “Stay.”

“What?” Steve asked, he hadn’t heard it clear.

“Stay with me.” Bucky said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POOR BUCKY.


End file.
